There's a whole lot to the world of BDSM than many people know. As a matter of fact, there's an A-Z vocabulary for BSSM acts; and a lot of people do them without knowing what these acts are called. All they know is that it gets them off!
Trust me, it's an endless list of acts. Golden Shower, Foot Fetish, the vocabulary is pretty rich. But because some of you are pretty new to this, I'm going to explain BDSM in the simplest terms; so, there's no intimidation.
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. All of these concepts revolve around one thing: good old kinky fun. That being said, carefully researching bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism is essential or the entire experience becomes the opposite of kinky fun.
Why am I going to all the trouble of writing an article on the Do's and Don’ts for beginners. The answer is simple. For starters, I think I've had enough of "BDSM starter packs" that mostly involve things beginner couples shouldn't be going near. I also think it's pretty important for beginners to know what NOT to do instead of just what to do or what to have.
Ready to get dirty? Keep reading.
What should be in your kit?
- Safe wrist restraints set
By this, I'm talking Buckles and Velcro since you're doing this for the first time. Personally, I think there's something about buckles. They are badass and heighten the bondage effect. The only downside to this is that an emergency or a situation where you freak out or your partner does can make a plain buckle look like the National Vault. Velcros are great because all it takes one single rip and you're free.
Let your restraints also possess a secondary "clip" attachment which are perfect for position variety while being quick and simple.
- Feather Tickler
These are excellent for arousing sizzling sensations. They can be tied up and blindfolded if you both want. This is one of the game changers, especially when you want up build up tension while torturing them a bit with the tingles and sweet anticipation ticklers incite.
If you're getting a tickler, be sure you get the ones without a paddle on the end. A good option is the Spencer’s whip feather tickler. Is there a big deal? Well, not exactly but there's a reason why. In impact play, there's a lot of accuracy needed. Control too. With feather ticklers, a lot of the dual sets are thin and quite hard to get a firm grip on. So, what should you do? Simply get them individually.
- Blindfold with comfortable material
Do a mental highlight of 'comfortable material' for me please. A lot well-meaning people tote BDSM starter packs that shouldn't be seeing the light of day. Don't get deceived by the shiny or satiny material used to make them. They are all the same. Cheap stuff.
So, what should you go for? Aim for blindfolds with a higher cut at the front. This makes room for a comfier fit at the bridge of your nose or that of your page. Guess what? These also block out light much better than the flimsy stuff. Look out for materials with furry insides for the best experience.
- Leash & padded collar
Frankly, you can never run out of option when it comes to collars—attractive ones at that. However, for couples just starting out, Velcros are the way to go. It would also be great if they have faux fur lining or any kind of padding. Collars with low quality leather tend to have abrasive edges that don't do the skin much good.
As a safety measure, collars shouldn't be too tight and any tugging you or your or partner are going to do shouldn't be too hard.
- Low impact flogger
Low impact floggers include fur, cotton strips or silk. Your fur can be real or fake depending on what you prefer and if you're going for silken strips, go for one that's not woven into a rope. There you have it; these are common examples of low impact floggers. The basic idea behind them is that they don't and shouldn't hurt as much, especially when you or your partner strikes a sensitive spot.
In the event that a low impact flogger is going to be used for the first time, you could try using it on the skin. They are good for that and if you're going to be hitting at all, don't hit heavy.
- Bondage bed set
First and most importantly, your bondage bed set should be easy-escape. You don't want to get stuck in a bondage bed set during a fire outbreak or some other unforeseen contingency. The great thing about bondage beds is that they are easy to hide under your mattress. Not just that, bondage beds can be dismantled with no hassle at all, they are easy to clean and will allow you control your partners arms and kegs as comfortably as possible.
When I say easy-escape bondage beds, I'm talking Velcro. No buckles. Simply assemble the whole set and leave them for when next you want to use them.
- Mood lighting candles
Mood lighting candles are great for creating the right mood. There's something super sexy about soft light. Tea lights work well to create this kind of mood. They also don't leave the whole place messy with wax.
- Silicone Ball Gag
For ball gags, the best options are silicone and/or ABS plastic because you can sterilize them, plus, they are not difficult to clean. You want to stay germ-free while using these toys. Any type of ball gag with leather straps is out of the question whether it's real or fake leather. They aren't as hygienic as the ones made out of silicone or ABS plastic. This goes for nylon too.
Start with a small-sized lovense ball gag if you are not sure what size to get. Getting one that is a size too big will definitely stretch yours or your partner's jaw too much and you don't want that. Your ball gag should also have holes in them so whoever is the sub can breathe.
- Fun sex toy
The one thing I always recommend is a bluetooth bullet vibrator from lovense, plain and simple. You don't get this in most sets but they are discreet and pocket-friendly; perfect for teasing trust me.
You can also go all the way with a Magic Wands. They are quite durable and highly recommended for intense pleasure. Looking for them in a kit can be a waste of time because they are a bit pricey but it's totally worth it if you still want to get one.
- Beginner nipple clamps
Nipple clamps are another thing we don't see a lot in sets. They are fun any way. Super fun in fact. I'll recommend crocodile/alligator clamps or the blush noir adjustable nipple clamp. These are adjustable to suit your tastes; that is if you prefer them light or tight.
5 TOYS TO NOT TRY AT HOME
- Candles & Wax Play
I've seen a lot of gory (just kidding!) stuff out there in BDSM sets. If you never heard of wax play, it's when wax from a burning candle is dripped onto someone's skin for intense pleasure. Maybe a lot of sellers recommend this. I don't! Especially, not for newbies. Wax play is advance and needs plenty of research before steady practice. You've got to also use the right kind of wax or you may end up burning your partner (pun intended).
The thing about handcuffs is that they are first uncomfortable and it's easy for the sub to get away if they want to be mischievous. There's also a chance of clicking down too tight which can be unpleasant even with a fuzzy set of cuffs.
When it comes to rope and new couples, I want to tie up whoever thought they should be in sets and just leave them in a desert. Here are examples of people who should be playing around with ropes: people who understand the varying rope textures, people who have tried things on their body, people who have attended BDSM classes, people who know the places which are wrong for leaving a knot, people who have worked with pros. I could go on and on but the bottom line is that ropes are for advanced people.
- High & Med impact floggers
Floggers usually come with the average BDSM set and many of them are poor models, mostly in runner, suede or fake leather. What's the problem with these? Well, these are medium to high floggers. Meaning they could hurt. A lot! A rough guy could do some serious damage with these floggers, especially if both parties are inexperienced.
When it comes to lubes, I personally don't use them if they come with a set. They've got a lot crappy stuff flying around the market; bad ingredients and bad formulas. Simply buy something you're totally sure is safe to use and you'll be fine.
That being said, there are a lot of safe toys to enjoy with your partner. Just be sure to avoid everything I've listed for you here until you have had adequate practice. BDSM should not be harmful to you or your partner so be careful to take all the necessary precautions.